DRAUGHT-STRIP BRITAIN
We, the self-appointed, unelected mob of right-thinking people who speak on behalf of the majority because of our superior intellectual grasp on the important issues, demand:
1
That the UK government promises to pay for draught-stripping front doors (and, yes, rear doors where they exist). Draught-stripping will only add £10 to the cost of mandatory air-source heat pumps? – see our sister campaign, Air-Source Heat Pump Britain). Tenants and homeowners who cannot afford draught-stripping should be provided with knitted draught excluders with training programmes to ensure correct placement.
2
We must talk about this issue all the time.
At the moment, no-one is talking about whatever the issue is, except the UN, World Bank, IMF, every government across the world, all businesses, universities, global media, and a generation of middle-class children.
3
Large meetings with rich people are to be prioritised, regardless of reason or purpose, and anyone driving during that period should be blockaded by Draught-strip Britain activists until they agree with our point of view.
4
The draught-stripping debate is over (see IPCC chapter on how draught-stripping stops draughts, endorsed by millions of scientific experts). The government must pledge that draught-stripping be taught at GCSE level as a mandatory indoctrination component to the sustainable development curriculum.
5
We must reach the British Government’s talking shop targets by an arbitrary date.
6
We at Draught-strip Britain will take all necessary action – short of anything constructive – to ensure that all Britain’s doors are draught-stripped to within an inch of their lives. Any condensation problems arising will be dealt with by our sister organisation, Ventilate Britain.
7
We shall be gluing ourselves to various objects in the course of the following weeks – preferably using glue that doesn’t cause headaches when breathed in too closely. We apologise for the inconvenience to random, innocent, members of the public and do not take this action (to inconvenience random, innocent, members of the public) lightly. Changing naturally-occurring global weather patterns will only be solved by pensioners gluing their heads to a variety of road-based objects.
Let’s end ‘Stagnant Indoor Air’ poverty.
Viva La Draught-strip-o-lution
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